Have any of you watched an animated film by Camillo Teti called "Titanic: The Legend Goes On", which I reviewed months ago? I feel bad for you if you have. Real bad. But if you think that was bad, prepare for something worse. It's Italian, the plot is weak, the characters are unlikable, there's mice and there's a happy ending, but no, there's no rapping dog. What could there be that's so stupid in this movie? Well, wait and see, in this review of a rare movie that deserved to be rare - Orlando Corradi's The Legend of the Titanic.
Where do I start? This film is about some grandfather mouse named Top Connors living in New York who tells his grandchildren about his journey on the Titanic. I don't know when this movie takes place, and when he was young he sounded like Bob Hoskins on helium, very inappropriate for his girlish appearance, so if this takes place in the time this movie was released (1999) and the mouse was about 40-ish in human years in 1912, does that mean that in the movie his human age is 120-something? Whatever the cause, Fone mouse finds that many people died on the Titanic, but the grandpa proves that it didn't happen, confirming that "it's all a misunderstanding". And then the fabric of space and time gets split.
I'm only kidding here, only about the space and time bullcrap, but right at this very moment you'd already feel like burning the DVD if you own it. I mean, saying that no-one died on the Titanic is like saying that the world is triangular! But moving on, we get a flashback of him arriving on the Titanic. He makes friends with some Brazilian mouse named Ronnie, who doesn't seem Brazilian at all. He sounds more North American than Southern and often uses Spanish words! And guess what he says much later in the movie? "There's one thing I'm not, and that's a racist!" And this is supposed to be family-friendly?
The woman in this movie is a rich industrialist's daughter named Elizabeth, who falls in love with a male gypsy named Don Juan who owns a collie who probably has a urinary infection, because when he takes a piss on an old guy's leg, he looks like he's spitting out water from the wrong end! Another reason why this fails to be child-friendly! Elizabeth's father, Maltravers, is voiced by Gregory Snegoff, who apparently voiced Frtiz the rapping dog in the other animated Titanic movie! The villain of the story is a whale hunter named Baron Van Der Tilt, and later you'd find out why he's a whale hunter. There are whales that hover up in the air for a short while.
These whales and every other animal can be understood by crying over the ocean. When your tears hit the ocean, that causes some sort of magic that allows you to talk to animals. Yes, this movie is real. Elizabeth does this (which results in a close-up of her face which pans down to a perv shot of her boobs) and she talks to the whales and the mice. Then some sidekick of Baron's who rips off all those goofy looking short guys in the classic Disney films uses a magic flute and gets to communicate with the sharks, who look like muscular prisoners. No need to dress me up in a straitjacket here, I'm not acting insane.
Later, random stuff happens, Don and Elizabeth dance with the collie, the mice and a couple of annoying birds, Connors falls in love with an example of furry fetish fuel named Rachel and we go underwater to see the sharks talking to quite possibly the weirdest giant octopus ever, Tentacles, who is pretty much as big as the Titanic itself and has a face you'd only find on a cartoon rodent! This movie is so bad that it makes Shark Bait look like Shark Tale, and Shark Tale look like Finding Nemo! And it turns out that he's the cause for the iceberg accident, as he is tricked over getting the iceberg out of the ocean, when he doesn't know that the ship will hit it!
The phone line even snapped, so an old, chubby mouse named Caliber (or something like that) has to sacrifice himself with the help of Connors and Ronnie by getting them to attach the phone wires to his moustache so that the captain can send an SOS! For the love of Jesus Christ, how much more kid-unfriendliness do we need? Do it some more and it'll be an animated Nukie! As all the rescue boats set sail, Tentacles gives his apology to everyone and tries his best to save the Titanic, only failing. Everyone else is on their lifeboats, but the main heroes jump off the Titanic, swimming to safety and surviving by going inside a whales mouth and getting blown out of its blowhole onto a boat. Tentacles dies, but it turns out that it's just a Disney death, so he comes back to life. And so does Caliber. There. Spoiled this disaster for you.
Now onto all the problems of the film itself. The animation is medicore. It's slightly better than that of The Legend Goes On, but still doesn't have much life to it. It can also slow itself down at times and contains a ton of animation mistakes. There's also uses of CGI. There aren't that much rip-off characters, but look closely in the dance scene and you'll find a woman who steals from Disney's Cinderella. The love song that plays during the credits and one scene in the movie is just so laughably embarassing. The accent and singing are so horrible, that if this movie were released in America, it would've gotten a Golden Raspberry for the Worst Original Song! Plus, the idea could classify as just plain stupid and illegal. As if the 2012 movies had ever been good ideas! I mean, why do the Italians have so much fun laughing at everyone who died in the real disaster? This Night to Remember is a Night to Forget!
RATING FOR THE LEGEND OF THE TITANIC: 0/10
And do you want to know what's worse? They even made a sequel! It's called In Search of the Titanic, and I'm not sure why. And oh boy, did they screw up on this one. Basically, this film offers an experience equal to jumping off a 5km cliff while smoking 20 heroin roll-ups as a television lands on your face and a bomb lands on your crotch and explodes, which results in you being forced to watch every single bad movie ever made on over 10,000 TV screens in hell. Trust me, it's that bad. It begins like Raise the Titanic, where the Titanic has been fixed in 1915. The main characters are in a diver's capsule, but it looks like Top Connors has divorced Rachel. And in the English version, all the characters from the first film have gotten the Little Cars treatment - their voices have changed. Both the mice sound like girls (which is more appropriate for Connors' appearance), Don Juan sounds gay, and Tentacles has grown up fast.
And when the shark starts rapping while his dancing companians suffer from sickeningly bad editing, you'll know this film is going to be trippy. When the gang travel to the lost city of Atlantis where multicoloured sea people and mermaids roam and weird toys and sea creatures dance to an ear-burning song that involves bad video editing, repetition and modern techno party music, you're learn that Chris Columbus saving a fairy princess in a film that goes by the name of The Magic Voyage isn't so bad after all. And when you see an ugly-ass Scottish boy in a kilt and some racist enemy rats being shot at with a laser gun by a dog riding a shell carriage (and you thought All Dogs Go To Heaven was weird!), your brain decides that it can't take any more and decides to leak. Just so you don't send me to a psychiatrist, click the second link in the Author's Comments to watch the second movie in English.
RATING FOR IN SEARCH OF THE TITANIC: -100/10
The Legend of the Titanic is one of the worst films I've ever seen. But the sequel is much, MUCH worse! I never thought I'd say this, but while Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is the worst live-action movie ever made, In Search of the Titanic is not just the worst animated movie ever made, but the worst movie of all time! Drugs should never be overdosed when it comes to adventure films (although Raggedy Ann and Andy sorta worked), they should only be used on surrealistic cartoons such as Cat Soup! I'd rather watch Animal Soccer World on YouTube again than watch ISotT!
Watch these movies at your own peril, because you'll need some serious medication! And since James Cameron's Avatar's almost out, a trippy rip-off of that film would leave me puking until my stomach just can't take it anymore! Watching James' original Titanic film and getting to see the other Titanic films that came out before would be too long to cure my insanity, and I can't find a way to cure it. It will be stuck in my soul for all eternity, thanks to an Italian animator named Orlando Corradi. I think I might as well put an end to it all. Thank you, Orlando, thank you...